The thick waft fills the air. It’s a delightful wall of intoxicating atmosphere that might taste like victory on the tongue, but means defeat to my poor arteries. It’s a battle raging inside my gut. Every day now it torments my soul…
…So yeah. Ash and I just moved into an apartment across the road from not only KFC, but a Maccas too. It was a wild choice that only the the most courageous are bold enough to take. Pre-empting the impending assault of wicked wings and cheeseburgers upon my body, I’m now doubling the distance of my runs and stuffing tissues up my nose whenever I’m out on the street. What’s worse is I now associate the smell of fried chicken with the warm feeling of being at home.
So recently Ash and I celebrated our first wedding anniversary. With that and the joys of an aromatic new home, it seemed fitting that the #marriedlyf be a topic of soulful reflection. Upon turning one year old it’s evident that our journey from crawling to walking is quite likely, atypical of most newlyweds. So let me re-cap.
The last 12 months or so…
In one year I’ve had 5 different jobs. Many of these were juggled simultaneously in typical sport science fashion. Multiple employments and long days come with the territory of high-performance sport (or “somewhat high” in my case). It’s something I’ve grown fairly accustomed to. Much to my surprise however, your wife doesn’t actually enjoy it when, instead of coming home at 5pm after a work day, you head out to another job to work the night away too. The ensuing struggle for a marriage is then in balancing an adequate work-life balance which meets not simply your own expectations but someone else’s too.
In a similar vein, Ash has moved her job life around a bit also. 4 different jobs in 12 months, if you count one job she left and then returned to a few months later. This was a glorious moment actually. It’s not often one gets to witness the splendour of a “quit and then sheepishly ask for my job back later” story. In truth though, she can’t accept any ridicule — they we’re begging for her to return.
If you were to average that out, in one year, between us we had new employment every 6 weeks or so. It doesn’t say much about our job loyalty does it? And oh boy tax is gonna be fun this year…
This consistent lack of consistency couldn’t be treated trivially. The jobs we held had major implications for our emotional and financial stability. They chewed up time which could be spent elsewhere and if they didn’t line up, we might never see each other face to face. Switching and changing jobs was the source of many lengthy discussions. Work used to be a thing that you did for yourself, at your own leisure and your own pace. With marriage, choosing a job which has the alarm buzzing at 4:30am every morning is fairly impactful on the human sleeping next to you.
Living situations since marriage have been in the tumble dryer too. It started out just the two of us, sweet and picturesque in our little apartment. That lasted about 6 months before we adopted a housemate. After growing tired of our quarrelsome third wheel, we then moved out for a brief stint living with family. That one must have really done a number on us as the next stop was the other side of the country. A new state, a new city, a new house and a new housemate. 5 months there brought us to our final relocation. We stayed in the same city this time but we were back to our original living arrangements — just the two of us.
In these messy circumstances I am learning the importance of home life. Life is no longer lived wherever I am and in whatever I am doing. A portion of my life, a significant portion at that, now exists in whatever mutual area is shared with my wife. Predominantly, in our case at least, this is represented in the home. If marriage is a Venn diagram, then home life is that bit in the middle that I’m sure has a name but nobody knows what it is. I didn’t realise it before but it’s kind of essential for a healthy marriage. It’s a sensitive space that demands respect and careful cultivation. The atmosphere in a room can create subtle emotions and the vibe you present to the other can perturb moods. Even a simple presence can disrupt or settle a rhythm. I’ve never considered how a home can affect one’s psyche before we had to tackle the problem of creating our own. And home life becomes exponentially important when you move.
So how has our marriage coped with the big move?
Moving away has been a strain. In our fragile beginnings we have decided to push the boundaries of our relationship. But on the roller coaster of challenges we have faced it’s quite clear; our marriage is now the only thing which remains constant. From doing the dishes to making the bed, from paying bills to picking the right health insurance, marriage personifies the conglomeration of tomato sauce and mayonaise — the epitome of two things which you wouldn’t think should be mixed but, together, makes something special.
For Ash and I, moving states so early in our marriage has provided an opportunity to cement our relationship in a way which is unique to ourselves. Sometimes marriage can feel like you squeeze one persons life into the misfitting mould of the other. Someone always cops the raw end of the deal or takes longer to adjust to the other’s lifestyle. But now, everything is so fresh. Everywhere we go is a new experience, everyone we meet is someone completely new to both of us. Everything is learned together and life is built from the ground up, without any previous foundations.
When we first got engaged, many older couples imparted to us their age-built wisdom about relationships and told us little tid-bits from their marriage experience. The running theme from these conversations was; prepare for the first year of marriage, it’s always the worst. It made sense when they told us, but now that we’re past it, I’m worried we’re doing it all wrong because our experience has been far from this. Of course, in no way can one year bring us the level of challenges we can expect in the future and we have far from a perfect marriage but, through diligent and earnest effort, time, energy and sacrifice, I’m quite proud of what we’ve been able to achieve. It’s been a year of fun, laughs, tears, adventure and understanding. Consistently we are reminded that our journey together is our own. You can’t predict how it will turn out and every relationship is unique. In many ways you can’t be prepared for it at all.
Someone recently said to me, “your spouse is the only family you get to choose.” Well fortunately, I chose well. To keep our lives glued together, Ash has been an exhibition of extraordinary resilience. In the face of adversity and complexity she still defaults to compassion and loyalty. She cooks, cleans and currently earns all the money too! (#studentlyf). Although our taste in movies or music rarely align and her sense of humour still requires a fair bit of development (it’s odd, sometimes I make a joke — and she doesn’t laugh. Can you believe that!?), I am grateful to have such an honest and diligent teammate. I’m working hard to try and be a better husband every day. It’s not easy but it’s plain to see that it’s more than worthwhile. After dragging my wife across the country it’s least she deserves anyway. With one year in the bank, I’m looking forward to tackling however many more we are blessed with and in whatever location that we have to.
